Since the last few years, everyone is talking about how to improve your mental health. It makes me anxious to think about the anxiety in the society (that rhymes), about something as basic as learning how to fix your mental health, when you can easily mess it up. Why do you need good mental health, anyway? Are you mad, or what?
I warn you. If you want your mental health to be healthy, do NOT implement anything I am saying here. I am a writer and comedian, and while I am writing this, the writer is on break, and the comedian has taken over. Let us do this.
Why do you need to improve your mental health, when you can easily fuck it up? So many people are doing it, and you need to be a part of the most fun party in the global society right now- the party of fucked up mental health.
The purpose of mental health is to attain misery, and feel utterly terrible all the time. Why would anyone want to feel good about themselves? What kind of deluded people seek happiness? No, the purpose of mental health is to feel horrible all the time.
How can we do that. Surprisingly, a lot of people manage that effortlessly. It is knowledge you already have; I am only the messenger.
25 ways to boost your mental health by stand-up comedian Amar:
1. Be obese to improve your mental and physical health through eating rubbish
Your body is a temple. Make it large.
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Absolutely take no care of your body. Eat absolute rubbish like pasta, pizza, samosas, fried food, sweets, you get the gist. The food you eat must be so hard to digest that you have to go to every public toilet, wherever you go, and you ensure that you are farting all day. Eat no vegetables, fruit or protein. They fuck up with your mental health, and may lead to look lean and healthy, and that suck. What kind of people would want to do that?
Releasing gas is great for mental health. You are not a human being. You are a fucking gas cylinder.
Remember that. Make flatulence jokes, because you are full of them, and laugh with your fat friends, who are all beautiful the way they are.
2. Never exercise to significantly improve your mental health
Exercise is for restless idiots. Whatever happens, never exercise.
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People who exercise are under the delusion that just by moving their mind and body, they would be able to be fit, which is a wasted pursuit after all. Being fit never helped anyone improve their mental or emotional health.
In fact, as per the American Institute of global insanity, exercise releases retard hormones, which makes people feel they are happy, which is a severe state of mental paralysis.
If you want to reduce stress, never exercise. Exercise is for restless fools. Always remember, your body is a temple. Make it large.
3. Think only negative to maintain your emotional and mental health
You know it. Positivity is the greatest waste of human life.
Never be positive about anything. Always have negative thoughts. No matter what the situation, you have the ability to think negative about it.
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If you are going for an interview, think of 10 reasons why they might reject you. If they select you still, it would only be a surprise, isn’t?
When starting a business, think of 10 reasons why you might fail. If you win, you might just surprise yourself.
If you are asking a girl out for a date, just think that she will reject you because you have nothing in you to impress her, and in most likelihood, you are right.
Remember, whatever happens in your life, it is your attitude towards the situation that determines the outcome. Think negative. Have a consistently negative and pessimistic attitude towards life in general.
4. Gossip about people to boost your mental health
Never say anything good about anyone. Always remember the maxim below:
Criticize in public. Never appreciate anyone.
This way, you will likely have no relationships, and loneliness is great for mental health. When you are lonely, you can focus on how you can fuck up other people’s lives and make the world a miserable place. After all, that’s what we are here for.
5. Belittle your colleagues to improve mental health in the workplace
Consistently belittle and deride your colleagues. Say nothing nice about them. Always find ways to make people feel smaller than they are.
People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
-Maya Angelou
She was utterly deluded. If you wish to improve your mental health, you must put others down. Make everyone feel awful about themselves. Only when they feel awful about themselves, would you have a chance to feel terrible as well, which is the whole point of what we are trying to say here.
6. Criticize your classmates in school and college for great mental health
Mental health is about the feeling that life sucks. If you are still a student and you are trying to learn how to proceed in life, first of all, it’s a wasted pursuit. Life gets worse with every passing year, and there is no hope. It is a pointless pursuit to try and be happy. People who talk about happiness are operating from a sense of hallucination.
So, abuse and criticize your class mates. Neither you or them have any future.
7. Embracing toxicity is one of the best ways to boost and maintain mental health
Toxicity is peak negativity. In fact, when you have negative thoughts, you are still a pessimist, you haven’t achieved your full potential as a human being. Don’t just stop at negative. Be toxic. Color up your negative thinking and pessimism with screaming, shouting and complaints. Wherever you go, make it unlivable.
Be toxic. That’s the future.
8. Never smile for peak mental health
Just don’t smile, no matter what the occasion. The world is a pathetic place, and there are absolutely no reasons to smile. Even if you find some, ignore them. If you have 99 reasons to smile, and one to cry, focus on that one reason. That’s the essence of toxicity- to never think anything good, no matter what exigencies show up.
If you see people smiling about you, dissuade them. Ask them, ‘what’s there to smile,’ in a sarcastic tone.
9. Always be the complainer in the room to boost your mental health
Just complain about everything. At work, find reasons why a plan may not work out and the company could go down the drain. At home, find 25 things that don’t work, and just don’t do anything to solve anything. If people try to solve problems, dissuade them. Just complain about everything and take no action.
There is a candle that can light up a dark room. Wherever you see that candle, blow it off.
10. Use the word ‘depressed’ several times a day for to improve your mental health
I have said it several times that we feel what we say. So, just don’t even use the words ‘sad,’ or ‘bad.’ These are rudimentary words. Use the word ‘depressed’ for everything.
If your omelet breaks, say you are depressed.
When your brush is old, say that depresses you.
If you don’t have a job, say you are depressed.
Even when you have a job, say that your job depresses you.
Just use the right word. Say depressed, because like we said earlier, happiness is a waste of life. Why try to be happy at all.
11. Never show any gratitude for anything whatsoever
If you show gratitude and even feel it in your heart, you may end up feeling a little good about life. Gratitude leads to positive emotions and a desire to live. Why on earth would you want that?
Never ever show gratitude for anything. If you have something, you have it, big deal. Focus on everything that you don’t have. Always be cribbing, crying, complaining. That’s the way towards mental health.
12. Always compare yourself with others and feel smaller
Compare yourself with others in every way. God made all of us, and some people have more and you have nothing. That should be the attitude.
Just never ever feel good about anything you have. The grass is indeed always greener on the other side. What do you have? You have nothing. Other people have a bigger house, a bigger car, bigger boobs, bigger ass, a bigger everything.
You have nothing. Whatever you are looking at, someone has it better. Just compare yourself to the person who has that thing more than you have, and feel smaller.
That is how you work on your mental health.
13. Never have any goals to boost your mental state
The problem with goals is that they tend to give you a direction in life. You don’t want that. We are trying to focus on our mental health. You want to go with the flow, and let the flow take you wherever it does.
Focused goals may give you happiness, that’s not what we are trying to achieve here. We are not trying to be mentally healthy of happy. We are trying to be miserable, which is the goal of mental health.
So, never have any goals. Just focus on letting yourself go astray.
14. To feel mentally healthy, never laugh
This is an extension of the point on smiling. Just like smiling, laughing is dangerous activity. When you laugh, you almost feel like living. Laughing is the sound of life in and you must suppress it at any cost.
Be free of the malaise of laughter. It is a positive act and you want to have nothing to do with positivity in your desire to feel miserable.
15. Just shout and scream at people who give you any positive advice
Don’t let anyone tell you that you could become a more positive and happier person. That’s not you, and that’s absolutely not who you want to become. Positive people are spreading toxic positivity in the society, and they are not letting people like you be sad and miserable at peace.
You have every right to feel sad and be at peace with it. Peaceful sadness is a beautiful goal of human existence.
16. Look at happy people with disdain and condescension
If you see someone happy, look at them with disdain. Make them feel like an idiot because that’s who they are. Happiness is a curse, and nobody should have the right to be happy or pursue happiness, when there are so many reasons to feel awful and terrible.
Just look at happy people with insult in your eyes, and speak with condescension. They should ideally avoid you, because happiness is not the goal of mental health.
The goal of mental health is anxiety and misery.
17. Watch your thoughts and do not let a positive thought enter your mind to improve your mental health
Thoughts become things. You want to stay in a permanent state of sadness, anger, disgust and horror. In order to achieve that, you must not let even a single positive thought enter your mind.
The moment a positive thought enters your mind, immediately replace it with a negative one.
For example, if you happen to think that you look great, immediately replace it with how terrible you look and why would anyone want to look like that. What a terrible hairstyle you have, and those dark circles, oh my god!
Never let anything positive drift near your mind. Protect your mind from positivity. Be a reservoir or toxicity.
18. Carry a permanent frown in your waking and sleeping hours
Frowns are great for mental health. Smiles are terrible. If you smile, people feel you are happy, which is an awful waste of life. Frowns make the world a miserable place, and make everyone feel that life is miserable, which is the purpose of human life- to feel miserable and make everyone else feel miserable- collective all prevailing misery.
So, carry a frown. Make everyone who may consider having a conversation with you think otherwise, especially these people with toxic positivity.
19. Stop taking bath for mental health
The problem with taking a bath is that you tend to feel fresh and revived. Water on your body, especially on your testicles has a positive impact on your mind. Don’t do it. Take a bath at best once in 2 months.
Always use hot water. Cold water is refreshing and hard to do and we should always stay in our comfort zone, and never do anything hard. Comfort zones needs a point to itself.
20. Always stay in your comfort zone to fix your mental health
Just stay in your comfort zones. The word comfort comes from the root comf, meaning easy and pointless. Stay in your comfort zone. Get up late in the morning. Eat anything, white flour, samosas, pizzas, pastas, stuff that’s terrible on the stomach. Just don’t eat consciously at all.
Don’t get up early in the morning. Eat as late as possible, and do as little work as it is needed to exist. Stay in your comfort zone. People who are trying to get you out of your comfort zone are jealous of you, and suck.
You want to improve your mental health- you stay in your comfort zone. Don’t let any pressure on you to do otherwise.
21. Don’t crack jokes. Always be dead serious
If you want to be mentally healthy and happy, don’t crack jokes. Always be dead serious about everything- whether to be a serious or a non-serious matter. If you want to improve your mental health at work, never joke with your colleagues. Always be serious with them. Never laugh at anything, or never try to make anyone laugh with a joke.
Jokes make life trivial and entertaining at times, which is not the purpose of mental health. The purpose to collective misery.
22. Do not follow your passion. Do stuff you hate to boost your mental health
One of the key habits to improve mental health is to not do anything that excites you. Do stuff that you necessarily find monotonous and boring. Over 90% of the world does this anyway. Basically, people do not even try to find their passion, and then feel unhappy. That’s the way to go about life.
Just find something awfully boring and monotonous to do, and stick to it. If you make the effort of finding something that you find interesting, you might have a chance at joy and happiness, which makes the entire effort at mental health pointless.
If you want to be mentally healthy at school, college or work, do stuff you find monotonous and boring. Follow the herd. So many people can’t be wrong.
23. Marry a stranger to improve your mental health
A lot of people in India marry complete strangers, and reproduce. India is now the most populated country in the world. This proves that you can have sex with strangers, and that sex doesn’t need any love whatsoever.
If you want to improve the odds of improving your mental health post marriage, marry a stranger. Do not seek love or compatibility or companionship- they are terrible for mental health.
24. To boost your mental health, sleep at most 2 hours a day
Sleep is the enemy of mental health. If you want to boost your mental health or want to feel mentally healthy, do not sleep more than 2 hours a day. If you sleep well, and sound, you will feel better about yourself, and be able to work, and operate efficiently. That’s not the goal we have, or the purpose of mental health.
Stay sleepy, and do not sleep more than 2 hours.
25. Contribute to the global mental health crisis
You, after all, want to belong. When everyone is saying that they are struggling with their mental health, how can you be left behind. You want to be a part of this surreal mental health crisis and conversation happening in the world. You also want to feel anxious, and depressed. Why should you feel the burden of feeling happy, when everyone around is feeling sad and miserable. You are the average of 4 people you spend time with- spend time with the most anxious, depressed and miserable people.
They will show you how to stay in peak mental health.
Although we can go on, I think we have made the point about improving your mental health. If you want to boost your mental health, you must follow some of the tips above, and once you have successfully fucked your mind, you can then spread the emotion of negativity around.
Finally, in Conclusion:
This post is a joke. Do not follow anything said here, if you want to improve your mental health. My intention here was to make you laugh, and show you how we ourselves are responsible for doing the things that makes our mental health worse.
Why do I write this blog?
The purpose of this blog is to help you find your happiness. Please read the other posts on the blog, and follow so that you get updates when new posts are published. Please share the post with your friends so that they can also find their happiness. If you have any feedback for me, please leave it in the comments and I would be happy to work on it. If you would like to support my writing and this blog, you may please send a donation through PayPal here.
I appreciate the time you spent in reading the blog and wish you happiness.
Love,
Amarvani
If you want some real tips on building a healthy mind, please read any of the below posts: