So, you want to find out, if alcohol is good for you. Of course, alcohol is perhaps the best thing you can do to your adult life. Perhaps, I am a fool because I stopped drinking about a year or so back. And I severely miss it, just like I miss my virginity.
Disclaimer: the post is a joke. Don’t believe anything said here. Now, read on, and laugh if you will, even if you are drunk reading this.
Just because I made the sordid mistake of living an alcohol-free life, doesn’t mean everyone should do it. I had some philosophical reasons why I quit, but most people are not philosophical. They are simple. They want to die as soon as possible.
Anyhow, let’s look at 20 reasons why alcohol is great for you:
1. Socializing would make no sense without alcohol
Imagine the tragedy of meeting a person or a group, and having no alcohol to go with it. Especially, if you are meeting people, you absolutely hate, like your colleagues, and have to pretend to be having a good time.
You absolutely need alcohol to defend the pretence of the conversation in your mind. How else would you justify if you were sober?
2. Alcohol relaxes you
Oh, my God. Alcohol relaxes your sorry ass. You work so hard all day on things you hate with people you despise, which creates so much pressure on your mind. Alcohol is great for you, because it allows your mind to distract itself from the hell your life is.
You know you will go home and your wife will shout at you. So, you head to a pub right after office and enjoy a mug of dark beer. That way, by the time you reach home, her shouting has minimal impact on your mental health, since the alcohol in your blood has already relaxed your mind and body.
3. Even introverts can make a conversation when drunk
These bloody introverts. They act as if their existence is a privilege for the extroverts and everyone is supposed to be nice to them, and coax them to open up. Not with alcohol. Alcohol is great because it can even make the worst of introverts open up and say to a complementary group of people, “what a fine scotch!”
4. Human life sucks, and alcohol offers a great distraction
Most of us would agree that human life sucks. The society is miserable and the corporate world doesn’t help either. There are random layoffs happening. COVID-19 and China screwed up the world together like a terribly made chow Mein. Over 7 million people died because of COVID, and the world got even more difficult for people at the bottom of the economic ladder.
But there is hope in the form of alcohol. You drink, get intoxicated and forget all the bullshit in the above paragraph and dance half upper body naked with your friends who are half lower body naked.
5. Alcohol boosts testosterone in men, and multiplies sexual desire in women
All this talk of alcohol affecting the sexual activity is just bullshit. Alcohol boosts testosterone in men by a factor of 7.5. They can stay actively in bed three times more than they actually would, and can actually do some foreplay before the final act, so women won’t find men disappointing.
For women, alcohol helps them get a real orgasm, so they don’t have to fake one. Millions of women fake billions of orgasms around the world every day. With about 10 vodka shots, with some lime on top, they can hasten the orgasm, and experience true nirvana.
6. Alcohol is the best use of your hard-earned money
What’s the point of making money if you can’t use it on alcohol? What kind of sorry people do not drink alcohol. What are they doing- trying to take care of themselves and their families without having some fun themselves?
If you work hard and make money, you should be able to spend that money on fine red wine, Scotch from someone in Europe with some random stories from marketing guys, beer from giant distilleries and vodka from God knows where.
7. Alcohol makes pain entertaining
Alcohol allows us to immerse in our pain. I recently wrote about how important it is to live in the now, the present moment, because it is all we have. When we are grieving, sometimes, we tend to get distracted by other things, and are not able to focus on the moment.
Alcohol allows us to completely dip in the moment and immerse in the pain, so that we feel it in our fucking brains and in our bodies.
8. Happiness multiplies when mixed with alcohol
Can you imagine celebrating your birthday without drinking alcohol with your drunkard friends? I mean, what a joke it would be. Imagine they were teetotalers and you would have to serve them tea or coffee, instead of beer, or wine.
How else would you show off the alcohol you can buy with your money and your mini-bar in your drawing room?
Happiness multiples in weird ways when mixed with alcohol. It becomes like a cocktail that everyone pretends to enjoy but no one fucking understands what they are drinking.
9. Alcohol supports the hypocrisy of the materialistic life
What kind of life it would be, if we can’t show off our materialistic pleasures to others! What a tragedy it would be. People who espouse and eulogise minimalism and simplicity of lives are such fools.
Alcohol supports the idea that the purpose of life is to make meaningless money doing meaningless things and show it off to people who don’t even matter to you.
10. Alcohol is great for solitude, as well
When you are alone and don’t have company, alcohol could be your partner. It goes great with sulking. When you are angry with your partner, or with your boss, which are essentially the two people who can fuck up your lives, you can indulge in some fine scotch, next to your pretentious fire place, whatever you call it.
11. Alcohol supports mental health
You may not believe it, but alcohol supports mental health. When you drink, your mind goes into a state of coma. Now, it is stopping you from going to a state of depression because you are stuck in a state of coma, and you cannot move beyond that.
Next day, you have a hangover, and you talk about it with your friends, and have a generous meaningless laugh. Laughter is great for mental health, especially if it’s meaningless.
12. Alcohol helps you to live in the moment
If you want to learn how to live in the moment, alcohol is a great support system. When you are drinking, your mind goes in a state of trance, and you have no ability to think about the past or the future. You are drunk, and sozzled, right in the moment.
Only a few people in the world are able to live in the moment, in the now, in the present. If you want to be one of them, say cheers.
13. Moderate drinking is meaningless
You may have heard the phrase- praise lavishly. Similarly, when you drink, drunk lavishly. Don’t only have one beer, have 10. Why only have a glass of wine- have the full bottle. What’s the point of enjoying a few vodka shots, go wild on the grey goose.
So many people live an incomplete life, a life is restraint. Don’t be of them. Moderation is the key to meaninglessness and mediocrity. Drink like a king.
14. Alcohol is great for liver
People who don’t drink can also get liver sclerosis or a fatty liver disease. In fact, when you drink alcohol, your liver become a little black, and black is a great colour. So many people have a pink liver, and that is so common.
Why would you want to have something that’s so common? You want to walk on the road less travelled. You want a black liver.
15. Alcohol adds colors to your life
So many people who don’t drink live a meaningless, or rather a colourless life. You don’t want to be one of them. Just think about the variety alcohol can add to your life, it’s actually better than the colours of a rainbow.
- Wheat beer- colour of wheat like wheat-ish Indians, like me.
- Dark beer- black
- Red wine- red, of course
- White wine- not quite white, but okay
- Colourless vodka, just like water
- Golden scotch or whiskey, whatever you call it
16. Teetotalers are stupid asses and you can make fun of them
You get to make fun of teetotallers who don’t drink, and remind them they can have orange juice LOL at parties where everyone is drinking. Alcohol is good for them too, and they just don’t realize that they are missing out on all the fun.
What’s the point of being so healthy and fit anyway, when you can’t have some fun.
17. Alcohol breaks inhibitions and allows people to be themselves which they can’t muster up the courage to be otherwise
A lot of people have no confidence in themselves to deal with life. Yes, life is hard for all of us, and we have to deal with it in our own way. We need to learn how to be ourselves and express ourselves in public. But some people have no confidence to do that, and can’t be themselves while they are sober.
Alcohol is the solution to their problems. Like the legends say, “meet me after a few drinks bro.”
18. Alcohol is great for sleep
If you can’t sleep, what options do you have in life. There are some miserable options like occupying your mind in something meaningful and purposeful. But, that’s too hard, and takes a lot of effort. If you keep yourself physically and mentally occupied through the day, you could sleep well, but not you- you don’t want to something as stupid as THAT.
So, you can rely on alcohol. Alcohol is good for you because if you have like two drinks before bedtime, like 15 mins before, you will sleep like not like a baby, but like an adult totally devoid of useless emotions like peace.
19. It is great for weight loss because you can contribute to the anti-body-shaming revolution
People who do not have a beer belly cannot talk about body shaming. They work to keep themselves fit and healthy, which is so pointless and anti-society, and anti-people who are lazy and can’t get off their asses and workout.
When you drink, you develop a rounded body shape and can tell people who tell you to try and stay fit to go to hell.
20. Alcohol is a great reminder of the need to live life in a state of absent mindedness
It’s no use, trying to stay alert all the time. Life is anyways difficult, and if we try and stay alert all the waking hours, we are bound to drive ourselves mad. So, we need to stay absent minded as often as possible. Alcohol is the route to achieve mindedness with some dollars.
When we are absent minded, we forget the worries of life, and are not depressed, at least for a while. What could be better than that!
21. Drinking is great for skin
You see when you drink alcohol, it goes inside your blood and your blood becomes cold and when your blood becomes cold, your skin glows. Women, especially need the glow, to tell each other, “glowing much, eh?” Although men don’t care about their skin, but if they wash their hair with beer shampoo, their hair could become bouncy and frothy. Okay, maybe you don’t need the froth, but you can use the bounce.
Red wine is also proven scientifically by GBSI (Global Bullshit Science Institute) to reduce acne.
In Conclusion
Next time someone tells you that alcohol isn’t good for you, show them this article and tell them to shut up. Alcohol and smoking are two of the greatest inventions of modern history, and anyone who rejects them, rejects life itself.
Why do I write this blog?
The purpose of this blog is to help you find your happiness. Please read the other posts on the blog, and follow so that you get updates when new posts are published. Please share the post with your friends so that they can also find their happiness. If you have any feedback for me, please leave it in the comments and I would be happy to work on it. If you would like to support my writing and this blog, you may please send a donation through PayPal here.
I appreciate the time you spent in reading the blog and wish you happiness.
Love,
Amarvani
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