What does it mean to be a man- Rudyard Kipling perhaps started this whole thing- the be a man business. Why does the world make about so much about the million definitions of being a man, and why do we have to make life so fucking hard for ourselves.
Alright, perhaps I am writing this piece for my fellow men, and so I will use language that’s talking man to a man. Let us start with If by Kipling:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
There are so many ifs, and all of them are hard. There is so much pressure from the society to man-up, and be a man that men have forgotten how to experience their emotions, or to be really human and vulnerable.
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
Why is it so hard to be a man?
There are so many ifs, and all of them are hard. The pressure is so much pressure from the society to man-up, and be a man that men have forgotten how to experience their emotions, or to be really human and vulnerable.
Wonder why, there is hardly any conversation in the society, besides venerable exceptions about how difficult the society, the family structure and pop-culture have it to exist as a man.
What does it mean to be a man in the 21st century? Let us explore some ideas, and try to simplify what it means to be a man.
1. To be a man means to be strong and handle responsibility
People say a lot about patriarchal society. Wikipedia says that patriarchy is a social system where positions of dominance and privilege are held by men. Wherever the man is the head of the family, he handles majority of the family responsibility. The debate is not about the gender, it is about the allocation of responsibility.
Therefore, men are strong, because we don’t have a choice. The family structure and society expects from all men, and rightfully so, that they will carry the larger responsibilities of life, and will be the last ones to jump when the ship is about to sink. They learn to be strong, by default.
2. Why men don’t cry
Men don’t cry, because it’s not acceptable for men to cry. It is not acceptable socially. Also, it is not acceptable within families. Imagine a family of four facing some sort of a crisis, sitting in a room together-a man, woman, and two kids, and the man starts crying. Likely, everyone will lose it, because the person from whom everyone is supposed to draw strength from is crying and now everyone feels weak, and scared.
It is quite hard to be a man, because we rarely get opportunities to express our own emotions. Yeah, we do cry, but cry alone because nobody gives a damn when we cry.
You don’t see men cry because nobody gives a damn when they do.
3. To be a man is to be human
Hey, did anyone tell you that? A man is a fucking human being, and we are supposed to feel emotions just like anybody else does. We are entitled to feelings of joy, laughter (loud as hell!), pain, tears, screaming and euphoria. We are entitled to all of those emotions, just because we are human being as well.
Ever since last year, I have started dancing regularly as a part of my workout regimen. 80% of the dance sessions are women or girls, whatever they call themselves. But a lot of men are now coming to attend the classes. We have the right to dance and enjoy ourselves. Yeah, I do lift weights, which is considered manly, but I don’t do it because it’s considered manly. I do it because it makes my body strong. On that note, folks in my town have started a new revolution lately called women who lift, and I think that’s fab but I digress.
If as men, we are supposed to be strong, we are also supposed to have fun.
4. To be a friend to a man
What I admire about the opposite gender, is that they are there are each other. My partner talks to her friends for hours, and my calls to people are not that long. It is a hard to be a man because we men do shoulder a lot of responsibility. Everyone will hold the captain of the ship responsible when the boat sinks, who happens to be a man in most cases. Men do some of the toughest jobs in society. It’s not to boast, but that’s how it happens to be.
It is a hard world out there. So, to be a friend, we men need to talking to each other more often than we do. We need to be on the lookout for, to use gym language, a bro that needs help.
5. To reject ideas of toxic masculinity
The word ‘toxic’ by itself means negative or poisonous. Toxic masculinity is about the ideas of misogyny or violence, and if that’s supposed to part of being a man. The idea itself is absolute garbage. The good men are trying to work, support their dreams, stay physically and mentally strong, and raise families.
We don’t harbor toxicity or promote it. I just included this point here because the notion of toxic masculinity gets a lot of mentions in pop culture, while they are not worth discussing in civil society, and should absolutely be rejected.
6. What does it mean to be a professional man
There is nothing like a professional man or woman. The ethics or culture of the work life apply to all genders. It is a word of integrity, hard work, discipline and consistency. Just like families, the one who shoulders more responsibility goes up the professional hierarchy, and grows professionally.
There are rules of professional life, and how to be happy at work, which I have written about separately.
7. Is a man ever enough- what does it mean to be a man
Is a man ever enough? Unfortunately, no matter what a man does, there are a million things left to do. There are a zillion things expected to be a man, as Rudyard Kipling has written in this poem.
My friend, if you need to be healthy mentally, you need to figure out how to be enough to yourself, and to others. A lot of us are chasing Maslow’s actualization while survival haunts us every day. There are family responsibilities, work challenges, and the need to spend some time with ourselves to understand what the fuck is going on.
I suggest you spend time in solitude every day, and tell yourself that you did all you could. Plan your days in advance, so that you make time for things that you need to make time for as a man, and then do them. That’s how we build confidence on ourselves, confidence to be a man.
8. To be a man is to appreciate all that you do, even if nobody else does
Given the pressures of being a man, there will always be somebody telling you that you that you didn’t do a hundred things, or you did things wrong, because you are the doer. People who don’t know how to appreciate, will not appreciate.
Only a few people learn gratitude and appreciation since they take effort to learn. A lot of people can’t or won’t appreciate.
If nobody appreciates you, you appreciate yourself and tell yourself that you did all that you could, because you did.
9. To be a man is to laugh out loud and have fun on the way
One of the problems I have with adult life is that it makes carcasses of living beings. Look at a lot of men around you. They have stopped even smiling, forget laughing. Workplaces are full of sombre men, who look like they haven’t laughed in years.
To be a man is to be able to handle all that you do, while being light in your spirit, to have a sense of humor, and to laugh out loud. If you can laugh at all your problems, you will find that they weigh a little lighter on you emotionally.
10. What does it mean to be a mature man?
Maturity, well, is the opposite of innocence. You become a man when people won’t forget or forgive your mistakes, because you aren’t a young boy anymore. A mature man shoulders responsibility, that of himself, and that of people who are dependent on him- financially or emotionally to the best of his abilities.
However, for fuck’s sake, maturity shouldn’t mean you shouldn’t have fun. I had this quote written several years back in the professional context:
Sincerity doesn’t command seriousness
As men, because of all the problems we are trying to solve, and thinking of the problems that face us in the future, we forget to have fun. No, that’s not maturity. Maturity does mean being accountable for your outputs, professionally or personally, but it also means that you can learn to do all of that while enjoying the fucking process.
11. To be a man is stand for equality
I don’t mean equality for the heck of equality- equality for equal effort and impact. The opposite gender has suffered a lot because of toxic masculinity, and we need a lot of good men in the society to show what positive masculinity can be, and create a world where both genders are supporting each other, with whatever their capabilities are, without getting into pointless sexism debates.
12. To be a man is to face everything the world throws at men, and walk with your head high
Here is the thing. A lot is thrown at men, and they are expected to take everything on their chin because it is what it takes to be a man. That’s how it is, and that is how it is going to be. Therefore, to be a man, and to be successful at that, you and I need mental strength, physical strength, sense of humor, intelligence, courage, resilience, an ability to care, among other things.
We started with a poem by Kipling. I will end with a poem of my own.
To be a man by amarvani
To be a man is to look at life and say, bring it on.
To be a man is to walk on fire, and sing a song.
To be a man is to have a sense of humour,
To be a man is to stand-tall to gossip and rumour.
To be a man is to never give up on life
Through pain, struggle and strife.
To be a man is to let someone use your shoulder to cry and feel light,
Whilst you tell yourself inside, hey, it will be alright.
To be a man is to aim for joy
No matter how hard the way
To be a man is to face life on your chest
And tell yourself that you will give up no way.
To be a man is to be a man to a man
To be a man to a woman.
A man of love and compassion, of courage and grit
Through times easy or hard, smooth or rough
If you and I do this
Perhaps one day, as men, we would be enough.
In Conclusion
I write on this happiness blog about happiness and joy. The reason I wanted to write about the definition of being a man is because given the pressures on men, it is hard to find joy. I wanted to explore the idea of what being a man really is and that’s what this post is about. It is hard being a man, and so if you are not a man, please help us feel that we are enough, because we are trying extremely hard to be.
Why do I write this blog?
The purpose of this blog is to help you find your happiness. Please read the other posts on the blog, and follow so that you get updates when new posts are published. Please share the post with your friends so that they can also find their happiness. If you have any feedback for me, please leave it in the comments and I would be happy to work on it. If you would like to support my writing and this blog, you may please send a donation through PayPal here.
I appreciate the time you spent in reading the blog and wish you happiness.
Love,
Amarvani
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