I just want to start out by saying that I am currently recovering from COVID-19, I guess (do we ever know anything for sure about Coronavirus). The last few days have been quite taxing emotionally, and physically.
It started with a bout of cold, sneezes, chills, and then severe weakness. I had fever only once and it wasn’t severe. But, the weakness, has been hellish. People have been wishing me health and I have been frustrated with my health, since I have rarely fallen sick for a long duration in my entire life.
I tested positive on the 29th of April and besides me, there are a few more cases in the family. Although brain fogged with fear and anxiety over the last few days, I am trying here to crack it with one weapon I know- humor. I am a stand-up comedian. I am still recovering, and there must be millions around the world in my place. If I die, this would be a good post to leave the filthy world where a virus from a bat in China can destroy centuries of civilizational progress.
I usually do not write posts which have a contemporary context on this blog, since all posts on happiness here are meant to be timeless. Here, I am making an exception. I am not sure, if I would make this exception again.
What is my objective with this post- I want to make you laugh.
So, that’s what I am going to try to do, using my comedy and humour writing muscles. Will I succeed? Do tell me in the comments.
Disclaimer: These are jokes and they are intended to make you laugh. If you get offended, you may socially distance my blog. I am just trying to make you laugh, and the only way to laugh right now is to laugh at the pain around us.
Here we go -119 jokes on COVID-19.
1. The name of the virus is wrong
It is not called COVID-19 anymore since we lost the opportunity to contain it in 2019. It is called COVID-continuous.
2. The origin of COVID-19
The origin of COVID-19 has been globally attributed to China. But China has been magnanimous to let the world own it post production, and deal with it. They have let go of the patents off the virus. Bravo, China. Hopefully, the world would be kind to let go of the patents off the vaccines so that everyone can be vaccinated, is it?
3. How to deal with Quarantine during COVID-19
Different people have dealt with Quarantine differently. A few friends I know haven’t ventured out for a few months, not even for groceries. They are now eating their clothes.
4. The corporate world changed because of Coronavirus
A lot of companies left their physical buildings because of the lock-down. Since they have left their physical offices, they now only operate spiritually.
5. The yet uninfected by COVID-19
People who haven’t been infected by the virus yet have been found repulsive by even the virus. (The virus got me!)
6. Financial implications of COVID-19
People whose lives were not affected financially by the virus are called suitably employed, for no credit to them.
7. Financial implications of COVID-19-II
People whose businesses and jobs were affected because of COVID-19 are called broke, for no fault of theirs.
8. The wavy COVID-19 virus
COVID-19 has had waves. There was a first wave, second wave, and more. Wuhan must have many beaches.
9. Politics that won during COVID-19
Joe Biden was elected President of the United States during the COVID-19 crisis in America. He literally trumped it.
10. Politics during COVID-19-II
In India, where I live, we crossed 400,000 cases a day during the 2nd wave. People have been scrambling for oxygen, beds and a political leadership.
11. Coronavirus in Italy came in slices
Italy was one of the first countries to face the virus after China. They also faced multiple slices of the virus later.
12. China and World Health Organization
World health organization (WHO) has been accused globally on being slow to announce the virus to the world. Only China refutes the claim with, ‘WHO says so?’
13. People refusing to wear a mask
Those who don’t wear masks are called COVIDIOTS. People who wear 3 layers are called COVIDUDES. Those who match their masks with their clothes are called I am hot till I die.
14. Work from home in COVID-19 pandemic
Work from home became a global leveler because of COVID-19. But, considering many people lost their jobs and their businesses, a global trend that got ignored on social media was permanent sleeping in home.
15. Women stopped shopping crisis
People didn’t have to dress up to go to work anymore. Hence, women stopped shopping and bra manufacturers died not because of the virus.
16. Home remedies for tackling COVID-19
People searched for immunity boosters and turmeric became quite popular in India. Adult yellowness is the new problem facing us.
17. Stand-Up Comedy died and zoom depression was born
Stand-up comedy suffered as an industry and comedians turned to zoom shows to depress themselves and the audience together.
18. Zoom saved the world during COVID-19
Zoom prospered as a company. Nobody had heard about Zoom before COVID-19 and because of the virus, a company that people should have hated has been loved.
19. Failed marriages during COVID-19
Marriages were tested and a few husbands found themselves in jails after having killed their better halves.
20. Successful marriages during COVID-19
A few marriages prospered and many kids were born because their parents had nothing else to do. These kids would be called lock-down necessities.
21. Staring at the wall syndrome
Staring at the wall, and fans became a global pastime because of COVID-19. Nobody would look suspiciously at people doing it henceforth.
22. Social distancing in Mumbai during COVID-19
In Mumbai, India, where houses are too small, joint families agreed to legs touching each other only as social distancing.
23. Indians discovered private space
India, the second most populated country in the world realized what private space could mean because of social distancing. A few women experienced orgasms in public spaces because of nobody harassing them anymore.
24. China and bats
China went quiet on the virus in 2021. So that nobody asks the Chinese about bats anymore and they can continue eating them.
25. Work from home issues
Work from home created a lot of issues like spine problems and expanded backsides.
26. Billionaires grew during the COVID-19 pandemic
The wealth of billionaires like Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and others exploded during the virus and none of them died because of the COVID-19. How to be a billionaire reached a billion searches on Google.
27. The movie theaters during COVID-19
The movie industry suffered and people stopped going to move theaters to watch movies. As a consequence, no kids were conceived in movie theater corners.
28. CXO’s learned to wash dishes
Men learnt to wash dishes and women learnt to enjoy watching them washing dishes.
29. No maids and house helps
Indians learnt to live without house helps. On resumption, they still can’t hug them tightly because of COVID-continuous.
30. The institution of family during COVID-19
People spent a lot of time with their families, and enjoyed. In some cases, though, they realized why do they have those families in the first place?
31. Netflix and pill
Netflix and Amazon Prime continued to grow because people needed content, and continued to sell one abusive web-series after another, bringing the collective intelligence of the society down.
32. Suicides because of COVID-19
People who committed suicides because of financial troubles brought due to COVID-19 were admitted in heaven, and served bat soup.
33. Emptiness of the COVID-19 pandemic
The streets, restaurants and public spaces that used to be bustling people are now empty. There is emptiness abound now- inside humans and outside humans.
34. The restaurants business during COVID-19
The dining out business suffered badly because of COVID-19. Many of those guys who ran restaurants and fed others have nothing to eat now.
35. Income over peace
Working women shouted a lot more at home because of the additional workload. Their men used earbuds because the households needs income more than the men need peace.
36. Reasons to live
Internet businesses prospered. Companies like Google prospered while people using them searched for reasons to live.
37. The North Korean experience with COVID-19
North Korea hasn’t struggled with COVID-19. However, people living in South Korea close to the North Korea border have heard a lot of shots lately.
38. The treatment for COVID-19
Nobody really knows what effective treatment for COVID-19 is. Everything is up for experimentation. Some relatives are recommending lady fingers with ladies.
39. Testing for COVID-19
There are different kind of tests available like Rapid Antigen test, RTPCR test and WTFIGO (what the fuck is going on) test.
40. Plasma as a medical treatment for COVID-19
People are busy looking for medical Plasma and as a consequence, the sale of plasma televisions has taken a hit.
41. Medical infrastructure in India
There has been a lot of misinformation about medical beds in India. Someone looking for a bed in Delhi found himself at a furniture store that had floated its number.
42. Fear of the Coronavirus
I have been sneezing a lot lately. My neighbors, as a consequence, have vacated their flat, and moved under the flyover.
43. The eerie silence caused by COVID-19 lockdowns
There is so much silence in housing societies that I can hear a woman having an orgasm in the neighboring society.
44. Life is a COVID-19 strain
There are so many COVID-19 strains in circulation that life overall seems like a strain now.
45. Delusions of hotness
Every now and then, I drink something hot and feel I am hot and sexy, when I am only positive.
46. Oxygen cylinders in India is the new precious
People have been donating spare oxygen cylinders in India. I don’t have a spare LPG one.
47. Vaccination in India
There are 3 medicines in circulation right now in India-COVISHIELD, COVAXIN and Acceptance.
48. COVID-19 death toll in India
The government is saying that they are doing everything to not let people die. People are dying out of hobby and boredom with life.
49. Fresh air you can’t breathe
The city I live in (Gurgaon) is one of the most polluted cities in the world. Now, it’s fresh air outside because everyone is home, but we can’t breathe it.
50. Everyone is talking about lungs because of COVID-19
Lungs have taken the center stage for the first time in human history because of COVID-19. Before this, kidneys and liver have made it feel unappreciated.
51. You can’t enjoy life when somber
COVID-19 has exposed the fragility of life, but then when one is sad, one doesn’t even want to do happy time things.
52. We are all lizards
I have watched a lot of lizards stare at me because of COVID-19. I stared back at them. We kind of fell in love. This proves that long stares are harmful.
53. Fans move without electricity
COVID-19 lessons 101- If you stare at a stationery fan long enough, it seems to move.
54. Who works out at home?
I did my best to fight the sedentary existence during COVID-19 by buying a yoga mat, and letting my ass expand in spite of it.
55. Tough stretch for gyms
Gym have been shut again because of COVID-19 in 2021. Gym owners are finding it hard to stretch a lot of things.
56. Real estate during COVID-19
Real estate has stayed relatively stable as a sector because some people sold their existing houses, calling them haunted.
57. Official social distancing enabled by the pandemic
Employees who hate their bosses were happy because of natural social distancing enabled by COVID-19.
58. Hey, what is it called exactly?
People are still confused about the difference between a pandemic, epidemic and classic glazed donuts.
59. Hey, where are our nuclear weapons parked?
COVID-19 is not the number one priority anymore for most of the countries. They have moved to other things like nuclear weapons again.
60. Celebrities dying because of COVID
A lot of celebrities have died because of COVID-19. They are now entertaining the Gods and there is a possibility of infection in the clouds.
61. Multiple infections, same people
Some people are getting infected in every wave. For them, COVID-19 has become an annual ritual in COVID-continuous.
62. Fear of small infections
People are scared of even small infections now as they could turn out to be COVID-19. A friend had a blister on his foreskin, and he is now a Muslim.
63. Cardiac arrests during COVID-19
There are a lot of people who died of other diseases like cardiac arrests during 2019-20-21. They were too shocked to see what was happening.
64. Come to office, no matter what
Many offices and corporate were open throughout COVID-19. They have also released statements about caring for their employees the most.
65. Everyone doesn’t like work from home
Not everyone likes to work from home. A lot of spa therapists resigned.
66. This is loneliness
COVID-19 killed the corporate social life too, and as a consequence, loneliness with familiar people shot up.
67. No wax December
Men got quite lazy to shave at home and in order to respond, women responded with no wax Decembers.
68. Hello, rooster
The sleep timings of people around the world got affected. When they slept at 5 in the morning, they kissed the rooster first.
69. The 69th joke
Since this is the 69th joke, people found themselves not fit enough to perform a few sex positions because of work from home and sedentary lifestyles.
70. Pets all over social media
Pets got quite popular because of the pandemic and many got adopted. The world may have more dog dad and moms than humans in the coming decade.
71. Why were some countries unaffected by COVID-19
There were some countries which were not affected by COVID-19. That’s because civilization hasn’t reached there yet.
72. Why did dogs not test positive
Dogs didn’t get the COVID-19 virus. Only humans did. They kept it away by wagging their tails.
73. TikTok became mainstream
Lock-down led to a lot of people feeling anxious at homes, with nothing to do and nowhere to go. As a consequence, TikTok made cringe mainstream.
74. Prisoners asked ‘what quarantine?’
Quarantine was the word of the year for 2020, and for the life ahead for several countries. Prisoners felt better.
75. Indians and Russians
Indians are waiting for a Russian vaccine. This is the second time Indians have waited for anything Russian, after Russian salad (I know what you wanted).
76. Parched Nipples
Nobody really knows when this virus is going to end. Everyone is just sick of not hugging anyone new in a long time. This is called parched nipples syndrome.
78. Gods couldn’t save anyone from the virus
A lot of religious people went for religious congregations midst COVID-19 but unfortunately their Gods couldn’t save them from the virus.
79. Oh, and I tested positive
I finally tested positive and realized that these jokes can still make me laugh.
80. Wish COVID-19 was a hoax
I can now tell you Covid-19 not a hoax. It maintains credibility.
81. What kind of symptom is weakness
Covid is as scary as it’s made out to be. I have NEVER in my life felt as weak, as I have since I have had symptoms. I didn’t have fever. So, physical weakness has been my most bothering symptom, which doesn’t sound like a symptom to most people. Be a man, huh.
82. I look horrible
Covid-19 affects your sex appeal. Affected mine. I haven’t enjoyed watching myself in the mirror last few days.
83. Stay negative
I was sharing calls for help for beds and oxygen till I tested positive, post which I had no energy. Lesson, you can’t help others when you are positive, unlike life. Stay negative.
84. Oximeter and thermometer
Oximeter and thermometer have been my close buddies for the last few days-one enjoying my finger and the other enjoying my mouth juices.
85. Breathe deep, you ass
I breathe deep every now and then, just to check if my lungs are operative. Life has had depth, in a weird way.
86. Gargling is music
I have never gargled so much, is that a word? If you listen to the sound of the Gargle, it’s musical.
87. Choose better leaders, would we?
One would hope that we’d care more about hospitals, and medical infrastructure than statues and religious structures once a few of us survive the second or the third wave, but then, God knows.
88. The Indian PR exercise during the COVID-19 second wave
The Indian administration is currently doing their best – to manage their image.
89. The excitement for vaccination
Everyone around the world is trying to get a vaccine- a first when people have been so excited and eager to have a syringe pierce their skin.
90. The RT-PCR test
It is not easy to get a RT-PCR test done in India right now. Calling in a PCR (police control room) jeep may be easier for once.
91. The comedians during COVID-19
Some of my fellow comedian friends have been doing shows for patients and doctors. Makes me feel great how selfless our community is, to starve and do charity alongside.
92. My comedy career
I still feel weak, physically and mentally. It’s not easy to write these jokes and wonder if they are funny. Not that my career gives me any confidence so far.
93. Does the vaccine have side-effects?
A lot of people are currently figuring how to do Covid vaccine registration. Rest are wondering whether they should have it in the first place so that they can die of Covid but not side effects.
94. Think positive, they say
I can’t get the vaccine right now because I am positive already. Trying to think positive, still.
95. Things tougher than writing jokes
It is exhausting to write jokes, even when healthy. To make jokes off pain is one of the toughest things to do in the world. But then, it must be tougher to be in the government, and not care.
96. The strains are coming
Hopefully, I would recover soon and would be back in the negative world. You know, with people who are Covid negative, and then worry if I can catch a new strain.
97. A virus brought the world to a halt
A virus from nowhere brought the entire world to a screeching halt. It has destroyed the global economy and taken toll on everyone. It has destroyed global happiness. Unless you are into dog meat.
98. This is a sweet one, from the happiness evangelist in me
What do we learn from the virus- to not eat bats, or be kinder to other species, or have better health infrastructures, or just live when the sun shines on us?
99. Smell the carbon dioxide
Nobody thought that in 21st century India, people would be dying because of oxygen shortage. Count your breaths and smell the carbon dioxide you exhale.
100. Where do you see yourself 75 years from now?
Planning is never fool proof. However, COVID-19 has proved that it can full fail though. What were your plans for 20-21?
101. It is about to be over
The pandemic will be over by the end of May 2021 and we would be able to go back to a mask-less life where people only have to wear pretense again.
102. Counting the days
I think it is my 11th day since I have had Covid symptoms. On the 18th day, I will deliver a baby.
103. The ENT doctors
ENT specialists have been trying to get ear swabs also included for Covid testing, for their lives to matter once in the history of the world, but nobody gave them any ears.
104. COVID-19 has reached Mount Everest
COVID-19 has also been spreading to Mount Everest and other mountain peaks infecting climbers, but the climbers are competing with virus peaks.
105. Bangladesh has sent aid to India
Even Bangladesh has sent aid to help India in fighting Covid-19, repaying the debt of 1971.
106. The Haka saved the Kiwis
New Zealand recovered from Covid-19 quite early, thanks to transparent political leadership by their PM Ms. Jacinda Ardern and Haka. COVID-19 can’t stand people staring at it with their tongues out.
107. Rural India facing COVID-19
In the 2nd wave, COVID-19 has been entering rural India, unlike in the first wave, where only urban Indians got affected. Urban Indians were seen telling rural Indians- Et tu, Brute?
108. Patent off the vaccine
Pfizer has opposed removing from the patent from Covid vaccination, calling the statements politically motivated. Biden agreed, in a statesmanlike way.
109. Impact of patent removal
If the patent were removed, apparently more people like the local iron smith could also manufacture Pfizer vaccination, only if he could pronounce Pfizer properly.
110. Where is Greta?
Only Greta Thunberg could potentially end the Covid pandemic by saying how dare you to the Chinese citizen who ate their bat, but she has said it won’t be in the interest of the environment to do so right now.
111. Most Indians are now pharmacists
As a consequence of the pandemic, most Indians have become pharmacists in their own right. My wife can name 77 salts while I only know of iodine.
112. It is called Co-WIN
A lot of Indians are currently rushing to get vaccinated from a portal called Co-WIN. That’s an irony because nobody has really won since Covid arrived. I can’t say about China.
113. The unemotional stock exchanges
The stock exchanges have been going up in spite of millions dying because of Covid. In a way, they behave quite like governments and billionaires.
114. Maldives tourism didn’t sponsor this
A lot of Indians traveled to Maldives during Covid 2020-21. Apparently, in Maldives, you can just dive into water, and forget what the world is going through.
115. The Indian Premier League
The Indian Premier Cricket League went on in a bio bubble while people around the country died till the players and staff started getting infections. BCCI didn’t stop the league. Nature did.
116. Mental health, what?
Mental health of people around the world suffered because of Covid. Staring at empty spaces does not require medication henceforth.
117. Nose running ahead of my life
I had running nose as the first symptom followed by weakness and cough. Ever since my nose started running over 10 days back, I stopped running.
118. Better leaders, better world
Let’s hope the global society would select leaders who would pay attention to basic human infrastructure after Covid. Considering neither the Pope nor the millions of Indian Gods and Goddesses could save us from the virus.
119. Take care, duh
Hey, whoever who you are in the world, this is the first time in the history of the world when the banal take care as a greeting makes sense for ending any conversation. This is where I will end too. Please take care of yourself and your loved ones.
That’s the end of the jokes on Covid-19. I hope, at least a few of the jokes made you laugh. I know, a few were really bad, but hey, I tried to make you happy, in the middle of a horrible disease. That-makes me happy.
Do check out the rest of the blog. There is tons around happiness. Hopefully, we would survive this, and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you for reading.
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