How do you rebuild your life when you think you have lost everything? I have some experience with rebuilding your life after life-threatening events. I have had a few somehow; no, I didn’t choose any. Even right now, as I write this, I am going through a major professional disaster in my life which I can’t reveal publicly at the moment. I will talk about it on this blog, when the moment is right.
But I have had to rebuild my life a few times. They say a lot of admirable things about strong people. But I will tell you something about them- nobody wants to be strong. If we could choose, we would be innocent little kids in the caring lap of our parents, fiddling with random things all day, and having fun. It is the pains of life that make us strong. Yes, I am an extremely strong guy. But I didn’t choose to be strong. Life has made me a really strong person, who refuses to break. I will not break, till I live. I promise here.
Let me, though, tell you about one of the stories of rebuilding my life, so you have some substance before you start reading how to rebuild your life.
In 2008, I did my MBA from Singapore and was hired by a Singapore firm to kickstart a project in India. After about a year of training in Singapore, I was brought to India. The project wasn’t doing too well in India at the point, and as an outcome, I was fired.
I was 29. I had about $10000 in education loan and I didn’t know what to do. I was back home, with a top MBA, and nowhere to go. My family was devastated. We wouldn’t now know how to pay back the education loan since I didn’t have a job, and my father was about to retire with a housing loan still running on him. I almost became a reason for the devastation of the whole family. There was nothing I could do. The guy who was my boss then, somehow, didn’t like me, although I was a star during the management trainee process and am still a really hardworking guy. He didn’t like me and the first chance he got to get rid of me, he did.
I hope he never found any happiness. I still do. I don’t think we forget people who cause us an enormous amount of pain when they have power over us. Perhaps we forgive them, for our own sake.
How did I rebuild my life after that?
That layoff changed the direction of my life, and in the long run, has turned out to be a good thing. I was at home for about 6 months because no matter what I did, I couldn’t get an equivalent job in the sector I was in and another sector, with similar profile. So, time just went on and my family kept getting frustrated.
So, I decided to move to something I thought I would enjoy, and joined a client servicing role in advertising, which I pretty much hated, because even in the agency, they called it a peon’s role. They were the creative folks and somehow, I agreed with them.
Anyhow, I won’t bore with the whole story. About 14 years later, I have survived even after going through several other life-threatening events, and hopefully this time also, I will get through, and rebuild my life. I think so because I am so damn hardworking that if I throw a lot of gum at the wall, some is bound to stick.
Let me share with you about what I have learnt about rebuilding your life after life-threatening events, which literally bring your life to a halt.
1. Rebuild your life from scratch by first absorbing what has happened
There are different stages of going through pain. You will, in most likelihood, go through most of them if not all.
Shock à Denial/Disbelief à Acceptance
Life doesn’t give us reasons why pain happens to us. You may have gone through something calamitous, and you can keep asking, why. There won’t be any answers on offer. Sometimes, stuff happens, which has no reasons, or reasons that you cannot see or influence. You will go through denial and cry, when you do. It’s okay. Eventually, there is no option but to accept what has happened to you, because unless you accept, you cannot move beyond what’s gone, and is now in your past.
This could be a person, a job or a place. It’s over. You need to get over it.
2. To rebuild your life from nothing, reflect on the current state of your life
Reflect has some interesting definitions as per the dictionary, which you may want to read. It essentially means to think about the current state of your life and what’s left from the wreckage.
You may have lost a lot, but you would have some resources left. Some of these resources would be financial (savings), emotional (people who still care for you) or inherent talent and learned experience that nobody can take away from you.
Basically, this is taking stock of what you are left with, to restart and rebuild your life. When you do that, if you have seen a bit of life, you will realize, that you are not quite trying to rebuild from scratch and you have some resources that you can leverage.
3. You might end up wondering at 30 or may be 40 years of age, “what the fuck do I do with my life”
It is a genuine feeling after loss. You took a certain set of actions expecting growth and happiness. However, things turned out to be different. Like in my situation I described earlier where I was fired. We can’t foresee what might happen, at the time of taking a decision with the limited information that we have.
So, you might end up wondering, what’s going on, and what should you do with your life? It is okay. Take it slow, but remember that you won’t let this event catastrophe break you permanently.
4. Take care of yourself during the process of rebuilding your life from rock bottom
Here is the thing. It is going to be really hard. However, you can’t put your head into the pillow and allow yourself to keep drinking in the pain. You do need a routine. You need to hit the gym. If you can’t afford to hit the gym, perhaps you can afford a pair of shoes and go for a run.
I guarantee you, that if you keep your body active, your mind will stay active, and you do need an active mind to rebuild your life after losing everything.
5. Allow yourself to heal physically and emotionally to rebuild your life post trauma
If you have had a physical accident, which has broken some of your bones, you need physical healing. In case your trauma is of an emotional nature, you still need to give yourself time to heal emotionally.
For example, if you are working on rebuilding your life after a break-up or a divorce, you may need to see a therapist, who would take you through a process of emotional healing. If you don’t want to see a therapist, you could consider talking to a friend who may understand, and be willing to talk to you about what may help. Even if they can’t offer advice, a patient pair or ears would be extremely helpful to you during the healing process.
Remember, you can’t proceed further unless you have healed from the trauma of what has happened. I don’t think we ever heal completely from the traumas of life, but we need to heal enough to be able to move ourselves further physically and emotionally.
6. Be honest to yourself about your feelings
This is true for all of you, especially if you are a man.
We men, have bigger egos than our dicks. Yeah, I said exactly what you read.
Now, because of our ego, we tell ourselves that we are too big to cry, too big to be vulnerable and too big to accept that we are in deep pain. If you want to rebuild your life and feel genuinely happy, you would want to be honest with your feelings. Accept how you feel, and if that’s a negative place to be at, work on moving towards a positive place.
You won’t be able to do that, if you are not honest with yourself about your feelings.
7. Ask for help when you are ready, to rebuild your life
You will need help. We all do. You won’t be able to do it in your own. Once you are in control of your emotions after the pain of the catastrophe has set-in, think about the people who care for your wellbeing and start reaching out to them.
Again, think long term. A lot of people are willing to be of help. Some don’t and that’s okay. You will need help to start moving in the direction of your joy. You can’t do it alone. Nobody has been able to do it alone.
8. Start with baby steps, and once you are ready, work every waking minute
You may start with baby steps since you are coming back to life after a really hard situation. However, once you start, you will need to work really hard to bring your life back to a state of normalcy, after a life-threatening event.
Work as much as much as you can, till you drop. The only way to make your mind and body believe that you are ready is to put them into motion.
If you let your mind stay idle for long, the harder it will be to come back to life.
9. Believe in yourself every step of the way
You won’t be able to rebuild a life that’s ruined if you don’t believe in yourself. Negative thinking will sap your energy taking you back to a state of dormancy. You cannot be dormant and you cannot just fade away, because of this difficult situation.
Therefore, make sure you believe in yourself, and take actions which are inspired by that state of self-belief.
10. Hey, when you are trying to rebuild your life, remember it’s a bonus
Life, here is a bonus. Didn’t you almost die? You almost died right, and you shouldn’t be alive. So, be happy about that. You have literally got another shot at life, and this time you want to throw it out of the park.
While you will have to work really hard to rebuild yourself physically and mentally, do it with a feeling of joy. Feel gratitude for having gone through the hardships and coming out alive. Life, in itself is a gift, and you have it, right now, to live another day.
Be grateful for life itself, while you are trying to rebuild your joy.
In Conclusion
You may not be in a position to think right now that you can rebuild your life from here. I am here to tell you that you can. Regardless of how old you are, regardless of how many times you have fallen, and got up, you need to get up every time.
Fall down. Get up. Fall down. Get up. Fall down. Get up and rebuild. Repeat the process. Do not let life break you ever. Some people have it easy, while some of us have it really hard, and we can’t understand why. If you have it hard, you need to be harder to not let the difficulties of life keep you down. You will not stay down. Get up, pick up the pieces and rebuild your life, yet again. Do it till you are alive.
Why do I write this blog?
The purpose of this blog is to help you find your happiness. Please read the other posts on the blog, and follow so that you get updates when new posts are published. Please share the post with your friends so that they can also find their happiness. If you have any feedback for me, please leave it in the comments and I would be happy to work on it. If you would like to support my writing and this blog, you may please send a donation through PayPal here.
I appreciate the time you spent in reading the blog and wish you happiness.
Love,
Amarvani