When will you be happy, after all? They have been telling you all your life that one day you can be happy, and a lot of life has gone by, to wait for that one day, isn’t it?

They said in school that you will be happy after school

Didn’t they? They kept saying that school may be hard, but when you are done with school and the subjects you hated studying, you will find happiness since college is easy. So, you did what your parents told you-studied the popular subjects, which everyone studied, and hated your days.

You hated going to school because it gave you no happiness. When you came back, your parents and the larger neighborhood, compared you to the other students and your peers, and told you how are you not studying hard enough.

So, you were not happy. When will you be happy?

Some of the teachers reprimanded you for not paying attention. You kept trying to get better at subjects you hated, and kept losing more and more of your confidence. Since you couldn’t improve much, no matter what you did, it made you a quiet and underconfident child.

You hated life, but you didn’t even understand the word ‘hatred.’

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Somehow there was no joy, and you wanted to be happy, and didn’t know what to do. Some of you were even bullied, and didn’t complain because who would care about a student who is not good at the star subjects like mathematics or science.

When will you be happy?

You were really good at one of the subjects. I mean, you were good at arts and poetry but teachers said there is no career or future in it, and so you had to abandon it.

You had to come back to subjects you hated, and try to improve at those. You couldn’t improve much, and this kept destroying all joy in your childhood days.

When will you be happy?

Even beyond school, you became quieter. You had no friends, because what would they think when they learned about your academic performance. Your parents told you to learn from others, but you didn’t know how. Just because someone else was good at something, didn’t mean that you could do it too.

You managed somehow through school with mediocre marks and a quiet personality. In fact, you learned the meaning of the word ‘personality’ quite later in life and realized, you had none in school.

You were told that you will be happy when school is finally over, and you realized that the whole thing was a lie. When will you be happy?

You kept asking yourself the question through your growing up years, but never found the answer.

College didn’t solve the happiness problem

You realized that they were lying when they said you could be happy after school. College was even harder since you had to find a college, and then study for a few more years, and then hopefully find a job, or pursue further education.

When was this education thing going to end anyway?

You found a not too great college for yourself since you didn’t have great scores to enter into a top college. A top college would have needed you to be good at the popular subjects, which you just couldn’t excel at.

Now, when there was a question about what subjects to take up in college, you picked up a course that could get you a job, instead of picking up something which you had genuine interest in.

When will you be happy- the question has haunted you forever.

You studied what most people studied and passed college. You surprisingly did better than you had expected. Anyhow, where was this happiness that was supposed to be waiting for you, once college ended?

There was none.

Life seemed to be a never-ending drill of doing what everyone did, to live a life that everyone lived. Who was this everyone any way?

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You looked at yourself in the mirror and asked – when will you be happy?

They said, find a job, and then you can be happy

What do most people do after college? Find a job, and do a job.

That’s what most people do. So, since your family wasn’t a part of the rich elite who could do whatever, they wanted, you went out in search of a job.

After a long search, you managed to find a job. No, you didn’t like the job, but everyone in society appreciated that you had one.

You were in a good job now and financially independent. Congratulations, you were not dependent on your parents anymore. But, again, where was this happiness thing?

You got used to the salary. They say salary is one of the most powerful drugs in the world and you agree that you were now a drug addict.

You found a girlfriend. She said that she loved you and worked with you in the same office. However, when you told her that you wanted to do something of your own at some point in life, she disappeared and started dating someone else.

You wondered what was wrong with her, but she had moved on to greener pastures.

When will you be happy, you asked of yourself again.

 They had told you that you were supposed to be happy now. But there was no happiness.

Since the job was going fine, you were expected to get married. But who do you get married to, when you don’t have a girlfriend?

“Get married and then you can be happy”

So, your parents created a profile on a matrimonial site, and the two families met.

You had a chance to speak to the girl about your ambitions to work for yourself someday, and do something in the field of art and poetry. You could never get it out of your system, could you?

Your to be wife approved of the plan, and you got married. Your parents told you that after marriage, you could do anything you wanted and enjoy yourself.

However, there was nothing like that you experienced.

No matter how much you tried to get out of the job to do something of your own, you kept getting back to the drug of a monthly salary, and couldn’t get yourself to quit your job.

“Have a kid or two, and then you can be happy”

Suddenly, you realized within a year of marriage that you had a kid. You forgot how it happened but it did happen.

Now, you are a father. You are quite happy with the blessing of being a father but, the fact that you feel choked in a life without freedom and self-expression keeps bothering you, and gnawing at your conscience.

What do you need to do to be happy, after all?

You tried to find joy in your work, but there was none to have.

The meaningless work you did, paid the bills but didn’t bring you any joy.

You did find joy in your child, but didn’t like the idea that they also would have to go through the same drill in their life.

Suddenly, you realize you are 50.

So much life has gone by, five fucking decades. You were told in school that you would be happy after school but it didn’t happen. Then, you were told that once college was over, you could do anything you wanted. That didn’t happen either. Then, you were told that you should get married and have kids and that would solve all your problems and make you happy. You found that didn’t happen either since you have not been ever able to do what you wanted with your life.

Will you ever be happy, is the question that haunts you now.

You think about your life, and blame for your parents for being ignorant about how to raise a happy child, but blaming them doesn’t help. They didn’t know any better. If they did, they would have done different things.

Will you ever be happy, you ask yourself.

Your now know through reading, and watching people who seem incredibly happy that your happiness depends on being yourself, and doing things that are meaningful for you. So, you write a poem and look for open mics in town where you can go and read that poem aloud to an audience over the weekend.

The whole week, you recite that poem to yourself and wonder if the audience would like it. You travel to the event on a Saturday and recite the poem in front of the audience, and they love it.

This is the first time in your life someone has applauded you, and you are 50. Fuck!

You keep thinking about what happened at the open mic, and tell your wife and kid about it. Your wife brushes off the enthusiasm, but your kid doesn’t. They ask you to take you along next time. You feel happy with their enthusiasm.

For once in your life, you experienced 5 minutes of happiness. How can you let that moment pass? It meant everything to you. Nobody let you pursue poetry and art when you were a kid, and now you are 50, and you are scared, is it too late?

You start visiting other open mics in town whenever you get time, without telling your family because they just don’t get it.

When you remind your wife that she said okay to you working for yourself at some point, she just dismisses the suggestion just like politicians forget their promises. Do poets even make any money? After all, you are doing financially well now and there is a status to be adhered to. What will people say if you do poetry now? How about your colleagues? What will your friends say?

What will people say?

You consider all of this, but you decide to fuck society. At one of the open mics, they offer to record your performance for a small fee and you jump at the idea and get your performance recorded.

You release the video on social media- “The first-time old poet.”

After you release the video, you get tons of positive comments on the video, which make you happy again. You realize that poetry is after all, making you happy. Your child is delirious and tells his classmates and friends, “that’s my dad.” You don’t definitely want your child to do a job, and live the kind of difficult life you have led. So, you keep looking for sparks of passion in them, so you can just help them do something they are really passionate about. You won’t want them to live a dry and meaningless life.

Anyhow, you keep writing and reading poetry where ever you can. It makes you happy, and for the first time in your life, you have some happiness in your life that you created on your own, without listening to what anyone said.

But how do you make this happiness last?

You can’t quit your job to pursue poetry because of the responsibilities you have. Also, you realize that if you don’t push yourself now, you may not be able to do it ever, since time is running by, to never return again.

You feel that after 5 long meaningless decades you found something that gave you some real joy, but you don’t know what to do, and you feel stuck.

You wonder if you will ever be truly happy. Perhaps one day when your child/children have grown up, and you have time, and money on your hands.

But, would you have health? Would you have time? Life is short, and sometimes, we have to take decisions which uproot everything we have known so far, and start afresh.

Poetry is only a metaphor in this story. For you, reading this, it could be anything that makes you come alive. It could be stage; could be starting a new business and becoming your own boss, or it could be photography.

What I am saying is that you need to start doing stuff that brings you alive and makes you happy, and stop living life a lifeless robot, adhering to the demands of the lifeless and faceless society.

When will you be happy?

The time is now. Do whatever it takes. Look at your life situation, and what you have, and start leaning towards what makes you happy, even if on the weekends. May be, you will find your spark that was missing all your life. Just because you are 50 or above, shouldn’t be a reason to squander the rest of your days, living an unhappy life.

Start doing the things that make you happy. Do it now.

In Conclusion

Hey, I know it is hard. For most of us, who were born in the 80’s or 90’s, life wasn’t that simple, and nobody really cared about being happy. Life was and continues to be a meaningless rut for survival for billions of people around the world. I want you to be happy, and so I implore you to at least accept that life is not meant to be for survival only.

You are meant to be happy. Please start doing what makes you happy. Find a better job, that aligns with who you are, or start leaning into your passions slowly. Do it now. Later never comes. You will soon be dead. Live a little before that happens.

Why do I write this blog?

The purpose of this blog is to help you find your happiness. Please read the other posts on the blog, and follow so that you get updates when new posts are published. Please share the post with your friends so that they can also find their happiness. If you have any feedback for me, please leave it in the comments and I would be happy to work on it. If you would like to support my writing and this blog, you may please send a donation through PayPal here.

I appreciate the time you spent in reading the blog and wish you happiness.

Love,

Amarvani

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